You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
