So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
