We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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