He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
