I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
