It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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