Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
