I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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