Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
