so that wasnt chicken after all
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
