Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
