My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We are all done wearing pants today
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
