Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
