it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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