I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
bring money and cleavage
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
