Just cropdusted the office
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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