so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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