You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
