So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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