I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
