call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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