$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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