May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
