He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
