If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
