remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
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When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
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how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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