do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
