Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
