"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
