Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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