The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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