One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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