I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
