She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
