brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
