I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
