i would punch a child for taco bell
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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