I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
