Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
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You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
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i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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