Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
