Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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