Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
