I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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