I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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