and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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