alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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