we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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