who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
