she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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