Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
