so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
