Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
