I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
