It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
