woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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