I can tuck mytits in my pants
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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