I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
