but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
